Are you, or aren't you?

With minimal research, I've uncovered some signs that may in fact indicate you are a douchebag. If you suffer from any of these symptoms, please get help. Quickly.

• You use the phrase "those people".
• You refer to your significant other as "the wife".
• You use the "f word" extensively in everyday conversation. As a noun, verb, adverb, adjective and possibly even a pronoun.
• You see a word ending in the letter s, and assume an apostrophe has to be placed in front of the s.
• You use the phrase "I seen". This one should also be punishable by death.
• You get really, really wasted at a concert and the next day call it the "best show ever, man!"
• You scream obscenitities at the officials or opposing players at your child's minor football/hockey/baseball/soccer, etc... game.
• You anonymously slam professional athletes on internet message boards, despite the fact you are a 300 pound, virtually immobile, sack of crap. Or, if you prefer, message board mutant.
• Whenever something confuses you - which is often - you refer to that thing, or concept, as "stupid". Ironic, no?
• You think the shaved head/goatee look is still in fashion.
• You see no problem with dating an 17 year old girl. You yourself are 32.
• You turn right at a red light without stopping first. You become seriously annoyed if you have to stop because another car/pedestrian is going through the intersection.
• You think tennis is gay. You would also have a heart attack if you tried to play it.
• You go to UFC pay-per-views, and honestly think you're as tough as some of the combatants in the ring. Same for wrestling pay-per-views.
• You have a barbed wire tattoo on your bicep. It was done within the past five years.
• You think your child's coach doesn't have a clue what he/she is doing. Oddly, you never volunteer to coach.
• You stare at an attractive woman in public and think "I'd do her". Yeah, like you can pick and choose!
• You stopped reading this post after the first two points, because reading is "effin' gay!"

That's just a quick, off the top of my head list. Feel free to contribute other symptoms you've noticed. Let's work together people, and eradicate the scourge known as douchebagitis. Together, we can make a difference.